Help me! How to tell People you Need Help, And keep Boundaries

18 Jun

Asking for the help of a friend, family,member, Or even co. worker, can be a daunting task. Being rejected In our time of need can feel so personal. Especially, If we have to somehow reveal our past, to tell this person why we need their assistance.

I have found I had to understand, what I needed help with. This is problem because, not knowing what needs improvement, not recognizing maybe, our fears, our poor actions, Is natural to do when we have extreme moments of fear, anger, and yes sometimes even when we are happy. to recognize what  needs tweaking, wright a list of your responsibilities, make specific categories  to your life. Taking care of yourself, would be a wonderful start. we cant help anyone if we can’t help ourselves. Examples for taking care of your self are as followed: taking medications, bathing, controlling your pain, and actions.  Sadly, we can’t give the responsibility of controlling our actions away. a few other categories can be, Home Life, School Life, Church Life, and even intimate  romantic Life. Know, add as many categories as possible. This will map life out, making your path clearer.  When, looking over all of the responsibilities. See what you need help with, wich task are unbearable? Could the task be a two person job? . than, wright next to each responsibility  Ither self, or a name from the people in your support system that best can help. . when asking your support system of family friends and professionals if they can lighten the load. remember This saying, ” closed mouths don’t get fed”. This Is so true!  No one can help if they don’t know, and sadly, assuming the people that truly love you should know, never works. However, what we can we do when The answer to our request is no? what happens if we get a negative response?

If the answer is no, we can not get mad.  we need to expect this answer, and be prepared with a back up plan. An emergency for us, may not be an emergency for someone else! this person may have their own list, and worries. We can not expect help.  However, asking for it is necessary to relive the stress that comes with the attack, and even just everyday life.

However, what can happen If we receive a negative response? recollect. walk away, and analyze the situation. Ask yourself: was this a product of bad timing? a good way to avoid a bad timing moment, remember, before asking for the favor, inquire If this person is able to talk right now or in a few minutes.Other questions can be helpful to ask this person, before the request is made. Why not  ask, how has your day been? This may be helpful for us to not only see their mood, but additionally, its just plain curious behavior. Why should someone help us If we don’t show a willingness to help them. Asking thought full questions about others are important to the relationships in your support system and life.  We have to not only understand them, But also, understand their boundaries too.  Knowing our  own boundaries  are also  essential.

Boundaries are needed when we go through such a trauma.  list places, actions, situations, trigger objects, or even people we would like to stay clear from. First, see if avoiding this is necessary for your safety, or does this cause the feeling of being uncomfortable? Can you and your support system help work on slowly integrating this back into your life If this can not cause phisical harm? Going out to the store should not be a problem for us. Of course, that dark ally in the bad side of town, were you hear gun shots, daily will put you at risk, Having a certain amount of fear is good. We know first hand how the world can be cruel. this Knowlage is necisarty, however, wont always prevent an another attack. we still have a 50/50 chance of being hurt again. Know that personal time is important and your personal time is yours. Have this everyday even if its only for 15 minutes. Also boundries such as, touching and hugging can be hard for us. Request a fist bump.  It’s not as intrusive. this is not strange, feeling as if your personal bubble has grown larger. The boundaries you set should be unique to you.  And knowing them will help you relive unwanted stress.  Help others and Teach people how to treat you.

We don’t come with instruction manuals on our back.  So how could people know if your boundaries were being crossed?  In the military It took me a while to find my boundaries.

As a young, immature, soldier I wanted to fit in the army. I wanted the others to feel as if I was a person that was not sensitive to crude behavior. One could let their profeshinalizim slip and say a dirty joke.I would at times, add to the dirty joke or make one of my own. Professionalism in the work force is needed. One may not realize allowing, seemingly harmless sexual jokes can lead to a false security and lead to inappropriate behaviors.An inappropriate joke could also offend others around me not even in our conversation. in any work environment this can be legally sexual harassment. I had set only  one boundary in the beginning. This boundary seemed an obvious one, I set a no touching rule. A back pat, to say good job was allowed, However never while I worked. that one rule was was not enough to protect me from being offended.  I realized letting them say whatever, only encouraged unprofessional behavior,  Sadly, a guy thought it was OK to grab my butt. He knew my rule. Tho, the crude jokes may have led him to believe this behavior at that time was OK.  It was not my fault that he knowingly crossed a line into sexual assult. However I do believe the situation could have been avoided If I added a few more boundaries to help us all stay more professional. I realized in the work place it’s better to have respect, and professionalism than to just be a comical person. I forgave this soldier and was able to save the friendship. however, setting strict boundaries, and sticking to them. became much more important to me as time went on.

Also, because of the attack, I felt as if my power to say no was hindered. As a phlebotomist, traveling to various nursing homes, I had an elderly man give me a hug that I was uncomfortable with. He was only wearing his underwear. And sadly no, He was not suffering from senility, tho he was notorious for inappropriate behavior. At that moment, I didn’t realize I had the power to say, “NO!”, to protect myself from unleashing flashbacks, and my triggering nature. my attackers took much of my strength to stand up for my personal space away. I didn’t say no I was just stunned, and thrown into a trigger moment. The lesson is to know your boundaries and don’t feel ashamed for your feelings! Practice saying no. we must be ready to  make others aware of our boundaries and know them ourselves to avoid situations that could trigger us or even hut us again.

Michelle McMaster


One Response to “Help me! How to tell People you Need Help, And keep Boundaries”

  1. Becky McMaster 30. March 2014 at 10:31 #

    Well said!

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