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Sex, Love, and Masterbation.

15 Jul

In societies the talk of sex and masturbation is taboo.  In many religions it is called sinful when not accompanied by marriage. This can cause a problem for survivors.  believing this human desire is wrong, compounds the extreme shame that comes with rape.  Elizabeth Smart was held captive for 9 months.  due to her beliefs on the act of sex.  Her , and like many survivors, felt as if she was a used piece of gum.  To be thrown away after use.  This attitude  is  dead wrong.  Rape is a violent crime, comparable to murder.  but it will not make you unworthy of true love. 

I found that after an attack the survivor may either experience a fear of sex or the lack of caring when it comes to sex.  Both are unhealthy ways of thought, however theses are common thoughts after an attack. 

A way to battle the extreme shame with sex is masturbation. Hey It’s the safest sex you will ever have, and like Joyce Elder, an past American surgeon general, once said, ” At least you’re doing it with someone you love”.  get to know your self first.  What you like what you don’t like.  Battle the shame that comes with the orgasm, by reminding yourself that your beautiful. that you deserve this love from yourself.

An orgasm has many healthy side effects.  It can help pain, stress, and keep the heart healthy.  When one reaches orgasm the brain releases an endorphin stronger than morphine.  and can help give you a boost of serotonin too.  For men and women It can cut the chance of heart disease. and give one more self esteem.

 

Finding love is Ideal, however to do this we must be comfortable with ourselves.  now is the chance to rebuild you’re self the way you want to.  start slowly and build on your character.  Always look for love, make every experience worth writing about, and make your life a good book.</p

 

Michelle McMaster

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Help me! How to tell People you Need Help, And keep Boundaries

18 Jun

Asking for the help of a friend, family,member, Or even co. worker, can be a daunting task. Being rejected In our time of need can feel so personal. Especially, If we have to somehow reveal our past, to tell this person why we need their assistance.

I have found I had to understand, what I needed help with. This is problem because, not knowing what needs improvement, not recognizing maybe, our fears, our poor actions, Is natural to do when we have extreme moments of fear, anger, and yes sometimes even when we are happy. to recognize what  needs tweaking, wright a list of your responsibilities, make specific categories  to your life. Taking care of yourself, would be a wonderful start. we cant help anyone if we can’t help ourselves. Examples for taking care of your self are as followed: taking medications, bathing, controlling your pain, and actions.  Sadly, we can’t give the responsibility of controlling our actions away. a few other categories can be, Home Life, School Life, Church Life, and even intimate  romantic Life. Know, add as many categories as possible. This will map life out, making your path clearer.  When, looking over all of the responsibilities. See what you need help with, wich task are unbearable? Could the task be a two person job? . than, wright next to each responsibility  Ither self, or a name from the people in your support system that best can help. . when asking your support system of family friends and professionals if they can lighten the load. remember This saying, ” closed mouths don’t get fed”. This Is so true!  No one can help if they don’t know, and sadly, assuming the people that truly love you should know, never works. However, what we can we do when The answer to our request is no? what happens if we get a negative response?

If the answer is no, we can not get mad.  we need to expect this answer, and be prepared with a back up plan. An emergency for us, may not be an emergency for someone else! this person may have their own list, and worries. We can not expect help.  However, asking for it is necessary to relive the stress that comes with the attack, and even just everyday life.

However, what can happen If we receive a negative response? recollect. walk away, and analyze the situation. Ask yourself: was this a product of bad timing? a good way to avoid a bad timing moment, remember, before asking for the favor, inquire If this person is able to talk right now or in a few minutes.Other questions can be helpful to ask this person, before the request is made. Why not  ask, how has your day been? This may be helpful for us to not only see their mood, but additionally, its just plain curious behavior. Why should someone help us If we don’t show a willingness to help them. Asking thought full questions about others are important to the relationships in your support system and life.  We have to not only understand them, But also, understand their boundaries too.  Knowing our  own boundaries  are also  essential.

Boundaries are needed when we go through such a trauma.  list places, actions, situations, trigger objects, or even people we would like to stay clear from. First, see if avoiding this is necessary for your safety, or does this cause the feeling of being uncomfortable? Can you and your support system help work on slowly integrating this back into your life If this can not cause phisical harm? Going out to the store should not be a problem for us. Of course, that dark ally in the bad side of town, were you hear gun shots, daily will put you at risk, Having a certain amount of fear is good. We know first hand how the world can be cruel. this Knowlage is necisarty, however, wont always prevent an another attack. we still have a 50/50 chance of being hurt again. Know that personal time is important and your personal time is yours. Have this everyday even if its only for 15 minutes. Also boundries such as, touching and hugging can be hard for us. Request a fist bump.  It’s not as intrusive. this is not strange, feeling as if your personal bubble has grown larger. The boundaries you set should be unique to you.  And knowing them will help you relive unwanted stress.  Help others and Teach people how to treat you.

We don’t come with instruction manuals on our back.  So how could people know if your boundaries were being crossed?  In the military It took me a while to find my boundaries.

As a young, immature, soldier I wanted to fit in the army. I wanted the others to feel as if I was a person that was not sensitive to crude behavior. One could let their profeshinalizim slip and say a dirty joke.I would at times, add to the dirty joke or make one of my own. Professionalism in the work force is needed. One may not realize allowing, seemingly harmless sexual jokes can lead to a false security and lead to inappropriate behaviors.An inappropriate joke could also offend others around me not even in our conversation. in any work environment this can be legally sexual harassment. I had set only  one boundary in the beginning. This boundary seemed an obvious one, I set a no touching rule. A back pat, to say good job was allowed, However never while I worked. that one rule was was not enough to protect me from being offended.  I realized letting them say whatever, only encouraged unprofessional behavior,  Sadly, a guy thought it was OK to grab my butt. He knew my rule. Tho, the crude jokes may have led him to believe this behavior at that time was OK.  It was not my fault that he knowingly crossed a line into sexual assult. However I do believe the situation could have been avoided If I added a few more boundaries to help us all stay more professional. I realized in the work place it’s better to have respect, and professionalism than to just be a comical person. I forgave this soldier and was able to save the friendship. however, setting strict boundaries, and sticking to them. became much more important to me as time went on.

Also, because of the attack, I felt as if my power to say no was hindered. As a phlebotomist, traveling to various nursing homes, I had an elderly man give me a hug that I was uncomfortable with. He was only wearing his underwear. And sadly no, He was not suffering from senility, tho he was notorious for inappropriate behavior. At that moment, I didn’t realize I had the power to say, “NO!”, to protect myself from unleashing flashbacks, and my triggering nature. my attackers took much of my strength to stand up for my personal space away. I didn’t say no I was just stunned, and thrown into a trigger moment. The lesson is to know your boundaries and don’t feel ashamed for your feelings! Practice saying no. we must be ready to  make others aware of our boundaries and know them ourselves to avoid situations that could trigger us or even hut us again.

Michelle McMaster

Blogs, Books, Websites… Oh My! ( Resources to guide you through that dark forest!)

3 Jun

survivor-manual-logo-800This is a blog that will inspire you with articles of survival and so much more!

 

http://www.survivormanual.com/

 

logo RAIN

This sight  will connect you with more wonderful advice and support!!

 

http://www.rainn.org/

RINJ
This face book page fights against rape culture. they try to eliminate the false perception the media sometimes portrays.

https://www.facebook.com/rape.is.no.joke

Be a Nightmare to your Nightmares.

18 Apr

Teddy Bears

Why are we so afraid of night??  Why darkness does always gives us a feeling of fears?? Is that only you or is that a problem of the human mankind.  The time when humans first learned to rub a stone and create fire from that time we know they kept the fire burning all night in the caves just to create a light and avoid the darkness, but why was it …so important?? It was important because night was the time when most predators came out to hunt and, to defend, humans have to use fire as a weapon at night. But what happens when you have to put this fight against yourself?? The fine line stands here. How to battle the night terrors, the answer lies in your own perception of the night. We fear the night because we feel we are alone and since we cant see a lot with our eyes that time we tend to believe we are alone. But have you ever thought that this fear might just be coming inside of you, this fear might just be a little part of you??  When you look at night sky what do you see?? You see a dark night but we miss the beautiful things there, a million of twinkling stars, a wonderful moon maybe some shooting stars, in fact they tell you that they are always watching over you and you are not that alone as you think you are. When you have to cope with the night terrors best thing is to put a plan for the night.      Make some plans for how to spend your night. Give equal importance to work (to keep you busy and distracted) and to entertainment ( to keep your moods happy)  Listen to something maybe music or talk to someone on phone or hear some audio stories, this will take away the feeling of loneliness from you. Many times you may feel scared of night thinking someone is stalking you, if that happens for your own pleasure of mind look around everywhere and when you find nothing it will keep you relaxed. Laughing is a very instrumental anti depressant tool, so if you are feeling the terrors of night spend the time watching or reading something that can life a smile on your face. My dad told me you have the power to change your dreams. Try to empower yourself and even if you wake up from the dream, go back and finish it the way you want to.  Kick that boogieman out of your head and dreams.  you may at one point be able to change the dreams that have been plaguing you.
Michelle McMaster

Purifing Yourself, a Cleansing Experiance.

16 Apr

When an attack happens the feeling of being dirty is hard to shake.  And when you feel this way it’s hard to accept, and be nice to your self.  In other words loving your self is not an option if your preoccupied with the feeling of being dirty.  And Loving your self is the only way you can start healing and become happy.  you have to start small in your life. This was weird but I found myself using sex as a way of getting the feeling of my attacker out of my body.  meaning I would have sex so that I could in my mind replace that horrible experience. However no matter how many times I tried to use sex as a cleansing/ sick control experience.  I would just feel worse about my self.  I was not making true connections, I wasn’t ready for Love. I didn’t love myself. After realizing that my sex craze was not helping I came up with my own cleansing experience. I in my own special way I did a sort of baptism,  you find your own special way! I would take a shower and pray to be cleansed.  than clean my self from my head to toe. after a bit I would than dry off with a white bed sheet. Wrapping  my self in the sheet I would lay in the sun ( sun light through the window).  there I would pray and meditate some more,  until I went to sleep. this made me feel better for a bit, however I had to do it a few times, and I’m sure I will do it again if times get hard. This was the healthier option to getting that dirty feeling off of me.  I grew from a unhealthy way to a way that not only gets me closer to my god, but closer to loving my self.  and that is priceless

Michelle McMaster

Real Love, is it an Illusion?

16 Apr

<p>I have always been asked and and for a long time wondered how to find that intimate love. The love of a life time.  One who would spend the rest of their life with me and accept me all while, also going to the ends of the earth for me.  This can be attained, however, you must first love your self. To achieve this high goal you must have achieved self love before you can be open to true love. This may not be the best way for you, but I found success, with this avenue of finding love.  I joined a dating website.  Specifically,  Plenty Of Fish. http://www.pof.com/  This gave me a range of dates.  I could figure out what I liked and didn’t like.  I had the supervision of a dear friend who was 60.  She held my hand in many ways as I explored the dating world.  I would first tell her all about the guy and she would give me her opinion. After I and my friend screened him, I would agree to meet him in a public place.  Always take your own car/ transportation. When at the date call your friend that is helping you, and give them a description of the persons car.  Always better to be safe than sorry.  I had guys hang up on me, stand me up, and make me feel not worthy, thank goodness for the support of my older friend. Each rejection made me stronger. The world did not end and I could see myself developing self confidence.

Love is a verb, you will not only feel it you will see it, hear it, and yes smell it.  you may ask smell it? yes smell it. If you like the body odder of your partner this means your immune systems matches and that you can make a healthier babies.  yes strange I know, however it’s a biological response.  If it’s true love he/she will find time for you. They should make a effort for you and vice versa.  There should be no waiting for days to hear from them.  The first time my friend met her husband she gave him her phone number.  He told her that he had no phone.  She simply said you will find away.  and guess what?  He bought him self a phone and called her the next day! this is what I mean by love is a verb. Actions speak louder than words. It will not always be easy, relationships take work and patience.  the best way to stay in love is act in love, meaning when married for 30 years in a non abusive relationship, you must act in love at times to keep the peace and regain your true love feelings. My mother told me there are actually times when she is so frustrated with my dad that it feels like hate. But as her anger subsides the love is there,and she can find a way to regain it. Again, Love is not always easy but it’s worth it.  It’s proven people live longer if they have good social relationships.

Intimacy Test

Can you show anything about yourself, including your deepest thoughts and feelings, without fear of rejection or misunderstanding? ________

Is the message of your relationship, “grow, expand, create, show, show?” Or is it, “hide, conceal, think only in certain ways, behave only in certain ways, feel only certain things?”

Grow___ Hide ___

Does this relationship offer both parties ideal growth? ___

Can you both develop into the greatest persons you can be? ___

Does your partner fully accept that you have thoughts, beliefs, preferences, and feelings that differ from his? ___

Does he respect those differences? ___

Does he cherish you despite them? ___

Does he accept your differences without trying to change you? ___

Do you want to accept that your partner has thoughts, beliefs, preferences, and feelings that differ from yours? ___

Can you respect those differences? ___

Can you cherish your partner despite them? ___

Can you accept them without trying to change them? ___

Michelle McMaster

A Twisted Mind. Through the Eyes of a Rapist.

13 Apr

5-brain-design-by-cogs-and-gears-setsiri-silapasuwanchai

It’s important to remember that these may help you, but they will not prevent all rapes.  a rapist will target there victim, and in many cases no matter what the precautions are a rapist will find a way around it.  It is never your fault!  even if you did not follow theses suggestions. 
Through a rapist’s eyes! A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1] The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun! , braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2] The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.

3] They also look for women using their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4] The number one place women are abducted from / attacked at is grocery store parking lots.

5] Number two is office parking lots/garages.

6] Number three is public restrooms.

7] The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don’t have to worry about getting caught.

8] If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn’t worth it because it will be time-consuming.

9] These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.

10] Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you’re not worth it.

POINTS THAT WE SHOULD REMEMBER:

1] If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: can’t believe it is so cold out here, we’re in for a bad winter. Now that you’ve seen their faces and could identify them in a line- up, you lose appeal as a target.

2] If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they’d leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

3] If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

4] If someone grabs you, you can’t beat them with strength but you can do it by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and
armpit or in the upper inner thigh – HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.

5] After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy’s parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you’ll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of
trouble. Start causing trouble, and he’s out of there.

6] When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked
audibly.

7] Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don’t dismiss it, and go with your instincts. You may feel little silly at the time, but you’d feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

Here are some more tips remember rape is about control and is never your felt! 1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.

2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans: if a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you…. chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won’t see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit
(doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON’T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU CLOSE the DOORS, LEAVE!

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

a. Be aware: look around your car as someone may be hiding at the passenger side, peek into your car, inside the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. (DO THIS TOO BEFORE RIDING A TAXI CAB).

b. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

c. Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard /policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help” into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

Can you Help? You and Your Home Town could be on this list NEXT!

5 Apr

Mind Body Soul Survivor

Mind Body Soul: Survivor

This is a group for men and women survivors of rape.our mission is to educate and support men and women survivors of rape. the hope to connect everyone so we can work as a team to increase the amount that come forward to the police, and increase the rate of conviction through educating survivors of their rights. In Local groups we will have an impact on the community and be a ready made support system. we will show not only men are attackers but women are to. not only women are survivors but men our too. join the fight and connect with other survivors! Together we will help support and guide others to live as survivors. to help, but we are not counselors. If you need assistance right away, call the hot line. at the bottom of the page. Jion the group closest to you! निकटतम आप समूह में शामिल…

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Polls of Questions We all Want Answered.

5 Apr

Your answer to these questions will help so many!
Michelle McMaster

Emotions that don’t make Sense! The Symptoms after an Attack.

3 Apr

There are Physical and mental symptoms one may go through, and not everyone experiences all the symptoms. Physical symptoms may include sharp pains in the stomach that move all around the abdomen. PTSD can also cause constipation, or even diarrhea. Stress can cause the immune system to weaken, and the heart to work harder. this can cause High blood pressure. staying relaxed and reducing stress is just healthy for anyone, no matter what you mental condition is.
Mental Symptoms can be categorized in three groups. re-experience, avoidance, and Hyper arousal. All three can come and go and can happen at any stage of healing.
Re-experiencing symptoms are the feelings of flashbacks, frightening thoughts, and bad dreams and flashbacks. all these can make one feel like they going through the attack again. Flashbacks can be so severe that you may smell, feel, taste, or even in extreme cases of PTSD hear things that remind you of the attack. they can be vary disturbing but with time it’s not as scary and they can go away and jut be a worthless thought.
Frightening thoughts are scary yet not as severe as flashbacks. again with time they become less scary.
Bad Dreams can be vary real and frightening. I usually required a friend or family member to calm me down. However before I would go back and redo the dream. Have it going your way. this is mostly so you can learn that you can change your dreams to your advantage. it takes practice, but can be done.
These symptoms can be treated and eventually in a way cured! Never forgotten but less scary. Never give up that hope, or you are defeated already! And be kind to your self I had to realize it’s one step forward two steps back. the trick is pushing forward again. Drive on! Michelle McMaster